Best of the Best – 2012 Edition

At the close of every year, MTv and VH1 (used to, and probably still do) publish a list of the top 100 songs of the year, so I decided that I need to make some lists too.   And we all know how much I fucking love lists.  So here it is, my top 5 favorite… everything for 2012!

TOP 5…

Hottest Gay Men (whether in real life or on TV; Yes, this is a category because really, there are too many gorgeous men out there for us girls to oogle.)

5.  Neil Patrick Harris

4.  Darren Criss

3.  Shaun T

2.  Anderson Cooper

1.  Matt “Lady Boner” Bomer

Chicks I’d go Lesbian for

5.  Emma Stone

4.  Emilia Clarke

3.  Alecia Moore (aka P!nk)

2.  Kate Beckinsale

1.  Mila Kunis

Best New Movie Releases

5.  The Hunger Games

4.  Brave

3.  Looper

2.  Batman:  The Dark Knight Rises

1.  The Avengers

Songs I can’t get enough of

5.  Over You, Miranda Lambert

4.  Fuck You, Lily Allen

3.  Thrift Shop, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

2.  Just Give Me a Reason, P!nk

1.  Same Love, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

TV shows that blew me away, or made me continuously laugh my ass off

5.  New Girl (fucking random next to these next four, huh?)

4.  The Walking Dead

3.  Game of Thrones

2.  Sons of Anarchy

1.  Dexter

Dudes that make me drool

5.  Joseph Gordon Levitt

4.  Robert Downey Jr.

3.  Alexander Skarsgard

2.  Ryan Gosling

1.  Ryan Reynolds

Songs that make me want to shoot someone

5. Starships, Nicki Minaj

4.  Someone I Used to Know, Gotye

3.  Beer with Jesus, Thomas Rhett

2.  We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together, Taylor Swift

1.  Call Me Maybe, Carly Rae Jepsen

Most Ridiculous Quotes/Sayings

5.  ”War on Christmas” – Fox News

4.  “… rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.” – Rick Santorum

3.  ”…and they brought us whole binders full of women.” – Mitt Romney

2.  “Life is that gift from God. And even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” - Richard Mourdock

1.  ”If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” – Todd Akin

Best Smut Books I’ve read this year

5.  Bared to You, Sylvia Day

4.  Enraptured (Eternal Guardians #4), Elisabeth Naughton

3.  Lover Unbound, J.R. Ward

2.  Tempted (Eternal Guardians #3), Elisabeth Naughton

1.  Lover Mine, J.R. Ward

Best things I’ve put in my mouth… and eaten

5.  Mushroom Gruyère Grilled Cheese Sandwich (from The Great American Grilled Cheese Kitchen)

4.  Prime Rib (from House of Prime Rib)

3.  Brown Sugar Bacon

2.  German Chocolate Cupcakes

1.  Midori Cupcakes

Favorite albums released

5.  Halcyon, Ellie Goulding

4.  Some Nights, Fun.

3.  Overexposed, Maroon 5

2.  The Truth About Love, P!nk

1.  The Heist, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Bitches I wouldn’t want to fuck with

5.  Nicki Minaj (She might crush me with her ass implants.  Besides, she shady as fuck.)

4.  The homeless lady that spit on Cara

3.  Lindsay Lohan (she might cut me with her crackpipe)

2.  Cris Cyborg (Though, is she actually a bitch, or a dick?)

1.  Ronda Rousey

And now for something a little personal… Best things that have happened to me this year

5.  Paid off two big loans

4.  (Not that this is really at #4, but…)  Moved in with Rahsaan

3.  Was “cured” from having PVCs

2.  Illustrated “The Princess, The Toad & The Whale”

1.  Lily asked if she could call me “mom”

Things I want for Christmas

Oh wait… wrong place for this list.  :)

Ways I can tell you’re an idiot… Just by looking at your car!

10.  You have stick figure family stickers in your back window.   Especially the ones that actually list out your family member’s names!  I mean, seriously.  Why not just give pedophiles a key to your house and your children’s school schedule?

9.  You don’t use your blinker when turning, or changing lanes, or merging.  Come on, people!!  It’s installed on every car for a fucking reason!  Use it!  I’m not saying you need to use it excessively (like when you’re already in a turn lane) but at least give me some kind of heads up that you’re going to cut me off.

8.  On that note… driving for miles with your blinker still on.  Fucking assholes.  Turn that thing off.

7.  You have a “baby on board” placard on your back window.  Do you really think I’m going to drive any safer just because you have a baby in your car?   People who have these placards on their cars usually drive worse than I do.

6.  You let your children slap hundreds of stickers on the inside of your windows.  Just disgusting.  Teach your children to have some respect, why don’t you?

5.  You have 30″ rims on your Buick LeSabre.  Really, I think the mental image I just provided says enough.

4.  Your month registration sticker is on the wrong side.  There’s a reason why it says “Month” on the left hand side and “year” on the right side of your license plate.   It’s like a convenient little fucking template.  USE IT!

3.  Your yearly registration stickers are stacked so that I can see the colors of the rainbow…

2.  You have so many bumper stickers on your car that I can’t tell what color your car is.

1.  You have balls hanging from the tow hitch of your truck/SUV/car.  Ew.  Just… ew.  If you’re thinking about hanging a set of brass balls from the back of your car, think about a rock hitting them at 65 mph.  Made you wince, didn’t it?  Yeah.  Just say no.

20 years of gratefulness

As I was looking at the calendar, I realized that June 1st marked yet another “surgiversary”.  My 20 year anniversary since my second open heart surgery!  I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since my Cardiologist told me that at some point in the past 11 years, my VSD patch had reopened and needed to be replaced.  20 years since I was at Lucille Packard/Stanford Hospital as a patient.  20 years since I met my “heart buddy” Gabe.  20 years since my surgeon “messed up”  causing me to go back under the knife a year later for a pulmonary valve replacement.  As an 11 year old girl, I didn’t have a real clue about what an open heart surgery entailed.  I didn’t know that that particular experience would start shaping me into the woman I am today.  I also didn’t have a clue that as I was being operated on, my grandparents were (most likely) worrying about their youngest granddaughter rather than celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary.

Reflecting on these past 20 years, I realize that there are so many things I am thankful for in my life.  Might as well count some of them off.  20 of them, to be precise.

1. My parents – for them, I am the most thankful.  They stood beside me when I was scared, when I was happy, and even when I was a complete shithead.

2. My brother – I couldn’t be happier to have his crazy ass as my little bro – I just wish we lived closer so we could go on crazy adventures together.

3. My love, Rahsaan – Words cannot begin to explain what I feel for this man.  He’s everything I could have ever hoped for in a partner.  Funny, patient, understanding, loving, and honest.

4.  My best friend Ana – She’s been with me through almost every surgery, almost every procedure.  Even when we didn’t talk much in our 20s, she never stopped being there for me.

5.  The Been Had Friends – If I believed in it, I would say that these people are my kindred spirits.

6.  Music – All sorts of it.  There’s nothing like a good song that hits the “emotional spot” to help you laugh or cry or smile or helps you let out a little anger.

7.  Bacon – You haven’t have a top 20 awesome things in life without bacon.  Yes, I know it’s not heart healthy and that’s something I try to pay attention to… but it’s just so damn delicious!

8.  The beach – Ah… the beach.  My happy place.  I’m never wrong at the beach, I don’t have a heart condition at the beach, I’m just me.  The best and simplest version of myself.

9.  Smut novels – Man, are these books entertaining.  I don’t care that each one of these books end the same exact way, I love every single minute of reading them!

10.  Giggling – This really has to be my favorite sound in the whole entire world.

11.  Roller coasters – There really isn’t much in the world like strapping yourself onto a giant metal track and letting back a bloodcurdling scream… followed by non-stop giggles.

12.  Babies – Damn, I love me some babies.  I feel like Fat Bastard everytime I see a sweet little baby I say, “Git in my belly!”.   I just want to nibble their fingers and fat little toes.  ::sigh::

13.  Girl’s Night Out – Just thinking about having a margarita (or two) with my closest girlfriends makes me smile.

14.  Bruce Willis – I know, random, right?  But damn, without Bruce Willis the Die Hard movies wouldn’t have been as awesome, Pulp Fiction might not have been as entertaining, the Fifth Element probably would have sucked… Plus, you know… he’s dead sexy.  I could go on, but I think you get the point.

15.  Soccer – Have you ever felt that rush after scoring a goal?  If not… you should!  It’s incredible!

16.  Cupcakes – I could really eat the shit outta some cupcakes.

17.  Making mistakes – Seems strange, right?  To be thankful for the mistakes I’ve made… But I really am.  I learned from each and every one of those mistakes.  Each of those choices, and let’s be honest, each of those ex-boyfriends.

18.  Trees – I could be scientific and say that I’m thankful that trees (and plants) help produce oxygen.  You know, photosynthesis and whatnot.  But what I think of when I think of a tree is roots, strength and stability.

19.  Advances in technology – I think this one is self-explanatory.

20.  My heart defect- You know, as much as I hate having a heart condition I know it shaped me to be the awesome person I am today.  There are still going to be days when I wished I believed in God so I could have someone to blame.  So I can shake my fists and scream, “Why?”  But for the most part, I’ve come to terms with my heart defect. It comes with a lot of trials and tribulations, but nothing could make me more grateful.

The shit people say sometimes…

Have you ever had one of those moments… when you hear something so ridiculous come out of another person’s mouth that you have to replay it over in your head to make sure you heard it correctly before laughing uncontrollably?   I had one of those moments last night.

I am taking a painting class in college (basically) for shiggles and to keep my sanity since I’m also taking a Calculus class that (quite literally) bottles  my mind.  Yes, I wrote bottles not boggles.  Some people will get that… Anyway.  Last night in class, we were given the assignment to do a master copy.  We were to choose a painting (done by any artist, whether it was a local unknown artist or someone world renowned like Monet or DaVinci).  With this assignment, we were to learn about the techniques our artist uses – from their brush strokes to the materials they used.  Last night, were asked to sit in a circle and one by one share the painting we were inspired to paint along with the information about the artwork and the artist that we had learned.

One girl sat in the front of the class and showed her painting – it was a really beautiful portrait of two women, very dark background and all you could see was the women’s faces and their arms.  I can’t recall the name of the artist (frankly, because I really wasn’t paying that much attention), but what did catch my attention was this one guy with his hand raised.  Now before I tell anything more, let me say…  This is a weird kid.  Seriously.  The dood has pissed me off many-a-times because he’s just so clueless and ridiculous.  He’s constantly talking outloud in class (if you’ve read my blog or know anything about me, you’ll know this irritates the ever-loving-shit out of me), he always walks by my chair and kicks it as I’m trying to paint (can anyone really be that fucking clumsy?!?!) and as our teacher lectures, he sits and shakes his leg uncontrollably (so much that once our teacher asked him to get up and move away from him because it was distracting.)  So… back to this idiot.  He raises his hand and says, “I have a question.”  This is new – so far, no one has really spoken up to ask any questions.  (I’m guessing because no one really cares all that much, but I digress.)  Our teacher gives him the opportunity to ask his question and he says (and I shit you not), “Was this painter a feminist in a past life?”

Even now, I have to stifle my giggles.  He seriously asked that.  There was a collective pause in the classroom, and I could see my teacher even trying hard not to laugh at this guy.  I mean for fuckssake.  This is a PAINTING class, not a lecture by Miss Cleo or Sylvia Browne!  I seriously have to give the girl showing the painting credit, because she wasn’t snarky in her response to him.

I certainly would have been!

It’s all in a name

I am quickly losing faith (haha) in this my job… Day one, they had my name spelled wrong. (McLLoiD – a D, fucking really? Where’d you get a D?) Day 10, paycheck was wrong.  We’re talking half of my pay wrong!   Today, the IT department secretary (yeah, I’m degrading her ass to being a secretary and not an “assistant”) came to me (after yelling at my boss yesterday) and asked me to write down my last name.  (Her way of “asking” me was to throw, yes throw, a post it note pad of paper on my desk.)  Okay, easy.  I wrote it twice. Once with proper capitalization, once in ALL CAPS.  Then she decides she’s going to trace my letters and start underlining shit on the post it where I  correctly spelled my name.  Okay, seriously.  Then this bitch is getting hella defensive about who spelled my name wrong – at this point, I don’t CARE who spelled it wrong.  The point is, it’s wrong.  Let’s fix it.

Then this bitch has the nerve to ask me what’s wrong with the way they spelled, then tried telling me that they got the spelling from my resume.

o_O Bitch, no you di’in’t. You’re telling me my RESUME is spelled wrong?  Bitch, you better check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.

Wally-World is the Devil

I had the unfortunate opportunity to deal with the morons Wally-World calls their “Pharmacist” and “Pharmacy Technician” today.  I’ve been using their Pharmacy for the past year and a half, and to be honest… it’s really been nothing but issues since the beginning.  But, since Tarjay’s closest Pharmacy was close to 20 miles away, I tried to suck it up and stick with Wally-World for the cheap prices and convenient location.

But let me back up.  For a while, I was taking 3 medications for my heart condition, and 2 medications to offset side effects from one of the heart meds.  I had finally had enough of my body reacting poorly to one of the meds, so (with the approval from my doctor) I came off that med.  (Which meant that I no longer needed the other two that offset the side effects.)  So of course, I go into Wally-World a couple of months ago, and I only filled two.  While I was there, I requested that they cancel the others as I wasn’t taking them any longer.

So of course, I went in yesterday to fill my prescriptions.  And who was behind the counter, but this one fucking idiot who I shit you not looks like his momma not only hit him with a stupid stick, but an ugly stick too.  Everything seemed to go smoothly, for once I thought they didn’t fuck up my prescriptions or put them back and make me wait for 45+ minutes to have them refilled.  Boy, was I fucking wrong.  They handed me my two prescriptions, and I left.  As I got home, I opened one of the bottles (so I could take them), and what do I see?  The wrong fucking pills.  More specifically, the heart meds I requested to have cancelled TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO.  Needless to say, I was pissed the fuck off . But I had to go to school, so I decided to wait until today to go back and (kindly) tell them how fucking stupid they were and make them fix my order.

As I walked into Wally-World this evening, I had to say to myself, “Now, be calm and they’ll help you….” I walked up to the counter and who did I see?  The fucking idiot.  Great.  Just great.  Alright, I thought.  I can do this.  So when the idiot said, “Pick up?” I said no.  I (calmly) told them that they gave me the wrong prescription yesterday and (as I cannot take it any longer), I needed the other one that they didn’t fill.  The fucking idiot waddled his way back behind the counter and started typing on his computer, then started talking to the “Pharmacist”.  As his dumb ass came back over to me, he said, “We can’t take returns”.

Um, did you not fucking hear what I said?  YOU FILLED THE WRONG FUCKING PRESCRIPTION!  ::deep breath:: So I replied, “All I need is my other prescription.  I requested two months ago that this particular one be cancelled.  I need the other one.”  Fucking idiot said, “We can’t take returns”.  What the mother fucking fuck, dude?

Let me fucking tell you, shit hit the fan.  No amount of yoga breathing helped me here.  My Italian/Scottish roots showed and I got pissed the fuck off and I let the idiot have it.  Now, let me also say… It takes a LOT for me to not only get pissed, but for me to yell at someone… in public.  I have worked in Customer Service for over 10 fucking years.  I know what it’s like to be someone’s punching bag.  But… after all the shit this idiot has put me through in a year and a half… straw broke the fucking camel’s back and I let loose on his dumb ass.  Of course, because I’m starting to yell, the “Pharmacist” comes over and keeps reiterating that he can’t take a return.  So I keep reiterating that they filled the wrong prescription and that I’m a HEART PATIENT and this is my medicine!  I told them that I had requested that the old one be cancelled two months ago, and this asshole had the audacity to argue with me that I didn’t cancel it.

Oh no you fucking di’int.  Gloves are off now, bitch.  If I knew who had been stepping on the Wally-World floor, my shoes would have come off too.  This so called “Pharmacist” had the fucking nerve to tell me I was wrong.  That because I took it home, I have to not only pay for THEIR mistake, but I have to pay for my new prescription too.  Wait one fucking minute here.  You’re telling me that because I had the NERVE to TRUST that my PHARMACIST gave me the correct prescription, that I am WRONG and I have to pay for THEIR MISTAKE?!

I swear, I felt my blood pressure increase to dangerous levels.  I even had a heart rate monitor on…  I should have looked at my heart rate and shown this motherfucking-son-of-a-bitch just what fucking with a heart patient will do.  I mean, what if I was taken off this medication because it could be deadly to me?  What if I took it without realizing that it was incorrect?  They’d have a huge fucking lawsuit on their hands.  I don’t believe in trying to squeeze money out of people, but holy fucking fuck.  This was just WRONG.  I knew at that point that I wasn’t getting anywhere with this so called “Pharmacist”, so I told him that I didn’t fucking care what he did with the medicine, they could keep it and I was going elsewhere.

Never in my life have I seen so little professionalism.  Especially at a place that could seriously harm a human being if the job is done incorrectly.

 

The Sasquatch

The story of my life.  I’m 5’2″ and whenever I go anywhere (and I mean ANYWHERE), Amazonian people stand (or sit) in front of me!  Seriously, it never fails.  So the other day, we went to the movies to see Act of Valor.  As we’re sitting in the theater, I get a glimpse of a tall (and I mean fucking tall) guy walking up the stairs.  All I can think is please, PLEASE don’t sit in front of me.  As you can guess, The Sasquatch sat right the fuck in front of me.  To make matters worst, dude had the biggest white guy fro I’ve ever seen in my life.  As Sasquatch/Vanilla Fro sat down in front of me, my mother leaned over to me and while giggling said, “Scrappy”.  As if my dog had ever been that scruffy!!!!

Soon after Vanilla Fro sat down in front of me, we discovered that he probably hadn’t washed his fro in at least a month.  Every time this motherfucker shifted ever so slightly, his stench would waft up into our noses.  Then Sasquatch started to twirl his hair.  His motherfucking giant fro-y hair.  I think this son of a bitch had restless leg syndrome, because in between twirling his hair like a little girl he kept fidgeting in his fucking chair.  Each time Vanilla Fro Sasquatch moved or twirled that disgusting mop of hair, my mother would giggle.  Which would throw me into a fit of giggles.  I was so afraid I was going to snort while laughing.  It was bad enough that we were watching a serious movie, but to snort while laughing at Vanilla Fro Sasquatch?  Yikes.

Channing Tatum…

When the movie The Vow came out, I knew that I’d either be seeing it alone or with my mom/girlfriends.  I knew there was no way in hell that my boyfriend would see it with me because Channing Tatum stars in the movie… and he HATES Channing Tatum.  Quite possibly, his favorite movie scene ever is when Channing Tatum’s character dies in Haywire.   But I digress…

So I took my mom to see The Vow this past weekend and as the movie started, my mom leaned over to me and said, “So who is the actor that he hates again?”  I pointed at the screen and said, “That guy.  Channing Tatum.”  Mom was silent for half a second before saying, “Now why wouldn’t he like him?  He’s adorable!”  I really had to control my giggles here before saying, “Um… mom.  I don’t think that makes a difference to him.”

I think there’s a meme floating around Pinterest that says, “If I woke up from a coma and Channing Tatum said he was my husband, I wouldn’t complain.”   ‘Nuff said.

Say What?

Here’s a little something I’ve been waiting to write about for…  a while now.  As Sophia on the Golden Girls would say, “Picture this…”  (Though, Sophia’s stories usually occurred in Sicily in the early 1900s, my story happened in September of 2010 here at home in California.)

When I moved back home from Colorado, I took the first job that was offered to me.  I had no experience for the job, but my Microsoft Skills (and a good word from an old friend) got me in.  Let’s face it, I was thrilled that I wouldn’t be penniless (or without medical insurance) after I moved home.  Shortly after I started, I had a conversation with my boss via IM.  We were chatting about our personal lives, getting to know one another (which I appreciate, because too often work is just… work.)  She was telling me about how she has 5 children (she’s my age), and that she’d always wanted to have 5 kids by the time she was 30.  She had three children into her mid-twenties and as luck would have it, before she turned 30 she became pregnant with twins.   She asked me if I had a family… or any kids.  I said no, that not only did I not have children, I couldn’t.  I briefly explained that I was born with a heart defect and that pregnancy would put too high a strain on my heart, and though doctors have said there’s a possibility that they could support my body through pregnancy, that’s not a risk I am willing to take.  So as I was chatting on about my defect and the things my Cardiologist talks to me about, my boss said, “You put too much faith in doctors.  I put my faith in God.”

Dead. Silence.  I think I even sat back in my chair and re-read those two sentences.  Did she really just say that to me?  I… put… too much faith… in DOCTORS???  Are you fucking kidding me?  Now, I’m not going to sit and argue about religion or faith.  Not to anyone reading this, and certainly not to my brand new boss.  So I didn’t say a word.  I think she regretted what she said to me soon after she wrote it, because (to her credit), I did get an apology that that wasn’t appropriate to say during working hours.  But, still.   I wonder what she’d say today if she found out she had said that to an Atheist.

My To-Do List

I’ve seen so many lists floating around everywhere like 1000 awesome things and 101 things to do in 1001 days that I decided I would finally put my own “to-do” list down on paper… or rather, write it in this blog.  I’m not calling it a bucket list, because, well, I hate the thought that I need to get all these items done before I leave this Earth.  Plus, I’m such a procrastinator, I’d end up like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in the movie “The Bucket List”, waiting until my final week to complete everything I want to do.  So, in no particular order, my to-do list.  30 items listed, one for each year I’ve been alive.

1.  See the Aurora Borealis

2.  Make a difference in at least one persons life (for the better, of course)

3.  Enjoy a pint of Guinness in a pub in Ireland

4.  Have children

5.  Watch the sunset in Oia, Santorini (Greece)

6.  Graduate college

7.  Find out which is better – Texas or Memphis BBQ

8.  Sell at least one of my paintings

9.  Dance in the rain

10.  Be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune

11.  Have my superhero painting returned to me, or recreate it bigger, badder and better

12.  Run a half marathon

13.  Never miss an opportunity to tell my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them

14.  Learn how to swim

15.  Swim with the dolphins

16.  Go back to Paris

17.  See the Outback

18.  Eat *real* NY pizza

19.  Go to Arlington National Cemetery to visit Kenny

20.  Watch the sunrise AND the sunset in Bora Bora

21.  Eat at all the hotspots featured in my favorite Food Network shows

22.  Learn how to shoot a bow and arrow

23.  Take surfing lessons

24.  Get at least 5 kills while playing paintball

25.  Increase my skill level to advanced at Microsoft Excel

26.  Complete a triathalon

27.  Buy an awesome Android Tablet

28.  Beat Super Mario Bros for the Wii

29.  Find happiness in every day, even if I feel like shit

30.  Hear my doctor tell me that I don’t need any more open heart surgeries

31. Participate in a flash mob